Advice to Sandra Bullock: Date a Nerd
By Tony Panaccio
First of all, can anyone say they were that darn surprised?
Sandra Bullock, America’s sweetheart, Oscar© winner, Razzie winner and still the best darn bus driver that the movies has ever seen (anyone remember Speed?) marries a biker. Who makes Bikes. In a bike shop. Stars in a TV show with other bikers making bikes for rich bikers. Is named Jesse James, one of history’s most notorious outlaws. This guy was the poster child for bad boys. OF COURSE he was going to cheat on her. His cheating on her was better odds than Bill Clinton having a heart attack on intern orientation day.
And Sandra, come on. Did you REALLY think the biker bad boy with the outlaw name was going to stay home, read comic books, play video games and eat French Bread Pizzas for months at a time while you were filming movies? That’s like expecting Donald Trump to forego the combover and shave his head (which might not be a bad look for him, really… okay, not so much).
But don’t feel bad. You’re not alone. Smart, beautiful, successful women from all over the world love the bad boys, and invariably wind up getting screwed over by them. I’m sure there’s a Facebook group for them. I think they made T-shirts. But the truth is, you have GOT to break the cycle. It’s time for you, and frankly all the other successful women nursing shattered dignity and wounded pride at the hands of a rock star or reality TV star, to see the light and change your life for the better.
It’s time for you to date a nerd.
Nerds, by and large, are rich, stable, loving and would be so knocked out to date a smart, beautiful, successful hottie, that they’d be utterly and irrevocably devoted to you. They’d cook, clean and do laundry for you. They’re good with electronics and computers, so you’d never have to worry about your computer crashing. Chances are they’d hack you free Internet service, anyway.
They’d pledge their lives, bank accounts and comic book collections to you. And the fact is, many of them aren’t just rich, they’re famous. Renown and unrepentant comic book and video game geeks include Keanu Reeves (Remember him? Tall guy, had the sense not to be in Speed 2?), Will Smith, Samuel L. Jackson, Mark Hamill, Star Trek director J.J. Abrams, Jon Favreau, Saturday Night Live’s Bill Hader, Jerry Seinfeld and Nicolas Cage (who sold his comic book collection to satisfy Lisa Marie Presley when he was married to her!).
Now, you may have to put up with a pantry full of Twinkies and Doritos, comic books on the floor, and every so often in bed they might cry out “It’s Clobberin’ Time!” or “Flame on!” or “Excelsior!”
I figure it’s a small price to pay for a guy who isn’t going to cheat on you with the nearest tattooed circus freak the second you go off to win an Oscar.
(Tony Panaccio, Senior Campaign Strategist for EMSI Public Relations, is a 25-year veteran writer, marketer and producer in the entertainment industry, having worked with luminaries such as William Shatner, Stan Lee and Michael Uslan. He has been a journalist and a senior executive with several of the world’s largest PR firms.)
